Happy Birthday

My sweet boy, you just turned 4. You are growing up so fast, right before my eyes. And as much as you frustrate me, I love you ten times more. You are a skinny little thing and are nearly half my height. lol. You can be so sweet and loving and so over the top frustrating and angry. I'll figure you out one of these days. You love all vehicles and you could have a thousand firetrucks, but if they're not all the same you still don't have enough. You're getting very interested in playing dress-up and will wear your Halloween costume often.

For your birthday this year you got several tractors, some Star Wars stuff, a Leapster, and your favorite, a chainsaw from your auntie Jenna. You still refuse to talk to her and we're not sure why, but you love your cousins and could play with them all day. Boy you need to show auntie a little love, but I know you will in your own time.

And of course we have to have a birthday "Justisism". Upon opening a pair of Pajama's that you asked for, your reaction was "Oh just a fluffy old shirt". Just like a child :) I love you.

Songs

I've been listening to a lot of music the past few days and heard a new song today on KLove. I guess it's a Christmas song, but I have never heard it. It touched me in this time. Yes, I do know it's about Mary and all, but the chorus really got me. And who does not need help in their daily walk?

Breath of Heaven

I have traveled-Many moonless nights-Cold and weary-With a babe inside-And I wonder-What I've done-Holy Father-You have come-And chosen me now-To carry your son

I am waiting-In a silent prayer-I am frightened-By the load I bear-In a world as cold as stone-Must I walk this path alone-Be with me now-Be with me now

CHORUS
Breath of Heaven-Hold me together-Be forever near me-Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven-Light in my darkness-Pour over me your holiness-For you're holy
Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder-As you watch my face-If a wiser one-Should have had my place-But I offer all I am-For the mercy of your plan-Help me be strong-Help me be-Help me

Breath of Heaven-Light in my darkness-Pour over me your holiness-For you're holy
Breath of Heaven

Signs

I am all about signs, omens, dreams, etc. I think Friday the 13th is a good day. And I was born on 7/7/74, at 4:44, no joke. 7/7 is also my uncles birthday, we both share my grandma's middle name.

At the same time, I am also religious. I consider myself a Christian and I do pray. I refuse to ask for silly stuff, like being able to speed without getting caught or even asking for my husband to ace a test, but I do pray for things like patience, calm in my son, and that my husband be able to comprehend the questions and relax so that he can do his best on his tests. I guess I ask for skills, not things.

My grandma was also religious. She is who first brought me to church when I was little. Her funeral will be held at the same church, which I have not been to in forever. I don't even know if she went faithfully, but I do know she was religious. She is being buried because she believes that if you get cremated, you will not go to heaven, which I also found out yesterday.

All day yesterday I was looking for a sign. A sign that she is with me, that she is watching over me. I did not get one. I was sad. I walked my son in the door at daycare and thought about something I told him one day and thought I should do the same. I told him that there is a piece of my heart in his pocket and any time he is sad or lonely that he can stick his hand in his pocket and a piece of me would be with him. It made me feel a bit better.

All day today, still no sign. Until I went to the store. I went for Gatorade because my husband is sick. I was going to get two bottles and that's all. The I remembered a lady at the store telling me if you drink the juice of 2-3 lemons, it will cure anything. Just for the heck of it I got 3 lemons and an 8 pack of Gatorade. I swiped my card, and for things like this I really never pay attention to the amount (bad I know), but when I looked up, there was my sign. Total $7.77.

It's silly I know, but in the weeks/months to come I will be looking for these signs. And I will smile each time I find one. And it will make it easier.

My Grandma

This is short, and I will write more as I am able, but yesterday I lost my grandma.

This is the first death I have had to process. And I knew it would be, and I knew it would be incredibly painful. Everything I thought about it, it is.