Sunday, January 22, 2006

My regrets

I have regrets about things I really have no control over, my birth experience. How it went and my lack of ability to control it. Maybe that should have been my first sign that I was no longer in control of my life.

I've decided I should start writing my thoughts and feelings down about the whole ordeal.

Even after nearly 2 months I still regret having to have a c-section. It really threw me for an emotional loop. I so wanted a natural child birth and didn't even come close to that. I even took "prepared childbirth" classes. I have come to realize that these classes do not prepare you for childbirth. They give you a lot of information that may or may not be useful, but as c/s are a type of childbirth they really do not cover this aspect enough. They briefly skim over the basics, but don't really explain how it can effect you emotionally. Especially when you have your hopes set on something else. I didn't want a natural birth to be a super woman, I wanted it because we were taught that it's better for the baby, not to mention I don't like having excess drugs in my system (or my baby's), or being cut open.

I regret that R didn't get to cut the cord. That I didn't ask them to lower the sheet to see him come out. That I didn't get to see the cord around his neck. I regret that we didn't bring a camera in and can't remember if there was music playing, or the name of the nurse that was so sweet to me. I regret that I didn't try something more to get the birth started on it's own and that I didn't fight more to stay away from the c/s. I regret that I didn't try Pitocin and try pushing. I regret not asking the Dr. Again why we had to do a c/s and if it could have been any different, just for piece of mind. One of my biggest regrets is telling R that it was okay to leave and go to work while I was still in the hospital. I regret not asking for more help, both while in the hospital and at home. I regret not taking a picture of J in his bassinet at the hospital. I regret so many things I can not change, but will always think about.