Memorable Quotes

So, some of Justus' more memorable quotes (so i don't forget)

Is this for your butt? (as he holds up a tampon)

She doesn't talk real well. (said to me in the presence of the mom)

R went in to say goodnight after school and then told J he had to take his shoes off and would be back. R came out to eat dinner and a minute later J remarks "are you having trouble?" Can't get nothing past this kid.

And as the picture depicts..."I'm takin my temperature!"

If Not a Mom

Seriously, if I wasn't a mom I would get This Bumpersticker!!!

But since I am I might just have to settle for this instead.

Red Flag Warning

I can't keep doing this every year. Every time I see smoke coming from anywhere that is north of work I worry that the fire is close to our house. I thought we were safe seeing as we are right next to a major street and the freeway, but this security was quickly crushed when there was a fire on the other side of the freeway several weeks ago and we were told that if it jumps the freeway we were to leave immediately. Uh, yeah ya think! Our house is literally feet from the freeway.

Every time I see the black smoke, the eerie orange glow, my heart races. What if it's my home this time, my family. And even when it's not, my heart aches for the families that are in danger. I would be devastated if I lost my home of course, but I would understand that if it was just my home and I was able to get my stuff out that it would be much easier to cope. The house and things can be replaced.

During the devastating 2007 fires I had wanted to drive through the lost areas and take pictures to create a slide show and never did, as I thought it might be disrespectful to people who had lost there homes, and there were so many homes. I regret not doing it. Tunnel (current song as of today) would have been the one I used.

May the Lord watch over us this fire season and keep everyone safe.

Justus ESP

Yesterday his ESP abilities were right on.

Prior to leaving for daycare I asked what he thought they were having for breakfast and I suggested porridge. He replies "waffles". Sure enough, they had waffles. I asked him this morning but he said I don't know, he was really cranky.

Then on the way home I called free 411 to get the number for a local sandwich shop. Before they give you the number they always make you listen to an ad. I had told J we we're going to get daddy soup when he says "I want McDonald's". A few second later I get to the ad portion and it was for McDonald's, too odd. And McD is not one of his normal requests, it's usually "Bean Burrito Cheese".

So the ESP continues.

Skeltons in the Closet

Is it wrong to talk badly about family members who have passed? Because there are some bugs coming out of the woodwork and it's just wrong!

I'm glad I did not get a chance to make a cake because well...I just am. I'm sure all of the secrets have not even been uncovered yet and we have just scratched the surface. Who knows how deep it goes.

I know R will not be happy that I posted this, but I'm mad. Mad for R, mad for his tante (french for aunt) and mad that it wasn't uncovered sooner, even though we have had our suspicions.

Bumps and Bruises

Justus seems to get some odd bumps and bruises. There is one in particular that I may see the Dr. about as this red "spot" has been there for at least a couple weeks already.


What a face!


And I guess he did this while trying to get up from the table at daycare and fell and hit the window sill.

I don't love you

What harsh words, that just broke my heart. And they wern't even directed at me.

"I don't love you daddy"

Which brought R to tears and me close. When what he really meant was "I want it my way and my way is mommy getting me out of bed to go potty, so I'm mad" But a 2 year old can't express that. And mommy is "busy" watching Grey's.

How do you tell a 2yr old to apologize when he can't understand how hurtful his words were. I tried to explain, but it was late and he was mad/sad and just wanted it his way.

I tried to reassure R, but the damage was done. I remember when Justus said it to me several months back and I cried too. I was alrady having a bad day and just didn't need it at that moment.

That phrase is normal right? I just expected it to be a little later, like adolecence.

Mon Oncle

I really don't even know what to say except that you will be missed, you were loved, and you are home now.

After a week in ICU following a major heart attack R's Oncle (uncle) passed away this afternoon. We are very thankful to have a wondeful hospital in our area that took very good care of him and tried everything to keep him here with us. But God had other plans, and was ready to bring him home.

We are thankful that it was quick, with very little suffering as you were active until moments before the attack. I promised you a cake if you woke up, but I will make one in your honor for the memorial.

Headache

Just for the record, when you can not find regular Tylenol in the house, Children's Tylenol(liquid)in NOT made to be taken in it's place. YUCK!! Just try a shot, mmmm.

A Past Funny

I was telling my friend a funny story that happened once and it reminded me of an even funnier story.

When I was pregnant we went out to lunch with a friend. We were talking about the baby when she looks at me and looks at R and say "Oh you both have blue eyes, so he's going to have blue eyes too" Ummmm...well...actually the donor has green eyes. She just laughed and said "Oh my gosh, I'm so stupid" lol

Thanks Josie :) Oh and he does have blue eyes, just like his daddy.

Garage Sale Finds

After a few hours on Saturday here's the bargins we got:

7 shirts (3T/4T)- $3.50 total
1 pair of near new water shoes - $.50
Canium tent set - $3
The smallest 2 wheel bike I have ever seen, with training wheels - $2
A set of twin sheets (2 fitted, 1 flat) - $5
A hypoallergenic/waterproof mattress cover - $10
A Safety First bed rail - $3
A 1-piece bathing suit with attached floaties - $1
A divided plate $.25
A jumping spider toy $0

And on Freecycle I also picked up:
2 bags of childrens books and a bag of clothes, which I still have to sort through.

Now I just need to Freecycle/CL some of J's things and get him a twin bed

Pro-Death?

For about the last 3-4yrs or so the station I listen to while driving is usually K-Love, it's a Christian station. Recently R has gotten interested in it to. The other day he says to me "I'm surprised you like that station because they talk about pro-life". Now obviously he said this to me because I'm pro-choice, always have been always will be. This gave us a great opportunity to talk about my beliefs and reasons why, which have actually changed since I'rown. It basically went like this.

Me-Honey, it's not like I'm pro-death. Let me explain why I'm pro-choice. If abortion were illegal it would still happen. It would happen in back alleys, it would happen in dirty clinics, it would happen in a little girls bedroom with a wire hanger, possibly killing the girl as well, it.would.happen! And I would rather it happen safely then "illegally". It would be wonderful if every girl who was faced with an unwanted pregnancy decided to use adoption, but it's just not going to happen.

Point Made!

Our Weekend

We had a busy weekend, mostly because R needed to do homework, so we got kicked out of the house. Thankfully he understands that if I'm not IN the house I have no ability to CLEAN the house, hey it works for me :)

Saturday - Since I knew we would need to be out of the house I decided to start Saturday with a little garage saleing. We left about 8:45 (late I know) and stayed out until about 12, so we could get home for lunch and a nap. After nap we headed back out to the park/spray ground, which was a first for J and he loved it. I think we'll be going back next weekend unless I can find another in the area. We we're there for a couple hours before heading home.






Sunday - Since I went to bed at 3am, I did not want to get out of bed. R got up with J and I slept another hour or so. We got ready and headed out again. We went and had some breakfast/brunch and then I tried to find some more sales, but all the addresses were a flop, oh well. At the last house I noticed a park at the end of the street so we headed over there. Lucky me, it was one of the parks I wanted to find and it also has a fountain that goes off every hour and a half that the kids can play in. Even better it was about 45min till the next time. So J played at the park and then we changed him into his bathing suit. Upon exiting the bathroom I fell off the curb hard and rolled, ouch. J just watched me, but thankfully no one else saw. He looked a bit scared so I just told him, see mommy falls down sometimes too, now give me a hug to make me feel better, and he did. :) Needless to say I am achy today. He enjoyed playing in the fountain, but seemed to like the spray ground better. After the fountain we headed home for nap. After nap we went grocery shopping and to the "vitamin store", also know as "the fruit store". It's like a farmers market store and they have testers of the kids vitamins and he gets so excited. Several times he has told me "I get the bear one for my birthday." If he's still saying it around his birthday, guess what he's getting.

So after our long weekend you would think he would fall fast asleep, he did at nap, but nope, he talked for a good hour+ in his bed after putting him down. Sleep child!

Compassion Please

I am so sensitive sometimes. I have a friend who is going through something right now and although she lives hundreds of miles away I want to make my arms into a big bubble and shield her from all the harsh comments. People who say "you didn't figure it out" or "the writing was on the wall". That's kind of like saying "oh she's dead, it's sad but didn't you notice she was sick". Have some compassion for my friend because while we all may have been through it we're not going through it now and she needs loving arms right now.

Or maybe she just needs us to bad mouth the other person if that will make her feel better. :)

P.S. if she wants me to remove this post I will

The Response

Ouch!

Good Morning Tanya:
Based on your email, you wouldn’t feel comfortable with our beliefs.
Stonebrooke Church

...
How can someone preach "love thy neighbor" and shun an entire group of people?!? As much as I hate to say it so many (NOT ALL) Christians are hyporcites. Sad thing is, this is the usual response that I get when I send an email like this.

I do have to say that the Methodist Church has been open minded since before J was born and in the last yr or so, now actually offers a GLBT group. I think I know where we'll be headed.

I know I'm a sinner, I just don't want to be told it EVER time I go to church. Teach me more then that!

Letter to a Church

Tonight I got a flyer for a local church. They are doing a sermon that sounds very interesting. I would love to find a church home, but have had little luck. Here is the letter I wrote to the church. Is it a bit much?

Hi, my family is trying to find a church home and I ran across your sermon starting on September 21 that seems quite interesting. However, because we have a unique extended family, I would like to find out your church's stance on "alternative lifestyles". We have a young son who I would like to bring up accepting everyone and I do not want to put him or myself in a situation that expects us to chose between God or our family members. Nor do I want him to have the impression that his family is abnormal. That being said, we are also Christians and need to find a church home that is open and accepting of our family.

This does not necessarily mean we need to find a home that caters to alternative families, just one that does not shun them, and preferable one that is a bit more open minded.

I am just trying to be upfront because I know we will not feel like we're home in such a church. Thank you.

More Irony

So R has been working for this guy for a few weeks. The job was advertised as a handyman with home remodeling expereince. Since then he has been doing all landscaping, which he does not enjoy.

The irony of it all is WE pay someone to do OUR lawn. Go Figure!

Justusism

We were at Great Grandmas house on Monday and we were outside visiting. A little fly kept bothering Justus so he swatted it away.

I said "He probably thinks you taste sweet"

He kind of looked at me like "what lady" and then proceeded to wipe his finger along his cheek and stick it in his mouth and looked in deep though. That was TOO funny, no words needed. I just busted up and he smiled. That kid is a little joker. So I said "oh your not sweet, maybe sour." He didn't miss a beat, swiped his cheek again and stuck it in his mouth and puckered up and shook.

I guess he's sour.

Guinea Pig

Have you ever wondered what type of person would sign up to be a human guinea pig for those clinical trials? The answer, ME! I've done two in the past for my blood pressure but I was young and stupid and thought "hey free money." So the difference this time? I have a FT job that I have to leave once every two weeks to get poked and evaluated on how the meds are working, it's not for blood pressure, and I'm a lot older, but just as stupid. But hey, *Free money* and meds and I feel a little better. I think I might just make this trial thing a P/T job.

Next Year?

At this point I'm thinking that I should wait until November 2009 to do the Breast Cancer 3-day walk. Granted I would like to be pregnant at some point, so that might end up getting scrapped too, but who knows what the future holds. I'm just thinking "outloud." A year would give me more time to get into better shape and raise money, but who really wants to give money for a cause that is so far away? UGH!

Justusism

The boy never ceases to make me laugh. Yesterday I forgot his swim diaper for swim lessons and as I pulled up his 'spring' suit he exclaimes "What, my pe.nis in the pool?" LOL!!!

ESP a little off

So now they are quizzing him at daycare, lol. They asked him what color shirt he thought I would be wearing, which isn't really fair since he saw me in the morning. He said red and I was wearing green BUT...I had gone to the Dr. and had a red bandage around my arm, hummmmm.

To walk or not to walk

For several years I have wanted to do the 3-day breast cancer walk, but something has always stopped me. The last 3 years it has been baby/pregnancy and before that just the worry that I couldn't make it or that I couldn't raise enough funds. In the end what it all comes down to is FEAR!

I WANT to do this, I NEED to do this, for myself, for my grandma, for all the women who have suffered and to stop the suffering. It's something that I have an immense desire to do, But I'm scared.

My excuse now is that I would hate to leave J for three days, but also that I'm afraid I would fail. I'm not in "great shape" by any means and I doubt I could train enough in just 3 months, but who knows. I think I could raise the necessary funds, I hope I could.

There is a "getting started" meeting in my area next week and I'm afraid to even go to that.

I need to get over this because honestly this is something I would regret if I don't ever do it and I ain't getting any younger.

Kids Say

I asked Justus the other day:

Me: Did you play with the giant Easel at C's house?
J: No, I didn't play with the weasel.

The Good Stuff

There have been a few blogs recently that have talked about people only talking about the positive on their blogs, well guess what, this is one of those blogs. Do we have issues, of course, but this is a place for us to share (as if anyone reads it) the fun, happy, positive bits of our life. I do have another blog for all my negative stuff but unless you ask for the address and I'm in a good enough (or self loathing) mood to give it out, I hope you never find it.

More ESP

On the way to daycare Justus tells me he's thirsty. I explaine that we'll get a drink when we get to C's house. I ask him "what do you think they'll have?, Water or Milk?" He says "Juice". Now let me explain that the only time they have juice in the morning is when they have cereal for breakfast since the milk is already in the cereal. So we walk in and what does Justus see and comment on? "They are having Juice!" Yup, you were right.

Fire Anyone?

So more on the ESP issue. Which happened again at school the other day where he told the teachers I was coming before he saw me. If nothing else the child has a 6th sense or a very strong bond with his parents.

I even joked the other day when we had an earthquake "so did Justus forwarn you about the Earthquake" They said "No, but we wouldn't have been suprised if he had." They actually didn't feel the quake at all.

So as for the scariest "6th sense" moment yet, On Sunday the 20th, we were having a leisury day at home. It came time for nap and we tried to put Justus down. It had gotten late and we were going to Grandma's after so instead of putting him in his crib we were going to let him rest in our bed cause he sleeps shorter there. So we tried and tried and Justus would have none of it. He told me he didn't want to sleep, he was figidy, He didn't want to watch cartoons, he wanted to go in the other bedrooms, and all the other things kids try to do to stall, but very adamant. During all this we heard a fire truck go by. He loves fire trucks and he made a comment about them. I responded with "yes now lay down". About 15min later we hear another (not unusal as we live next to a busy street). I figure he ain't sleeping so I might as well let him see the fire truck. I push back the curtain and it's so smoky outside I can see ash falling. R and I both comment that it's pretty close maybe we should go down and see. As we get to the middle of the culd-a-sac a police car comes down from the hill beside our house and says "you live here?", "YES?!?", "Well if it jumps the freeway you'll have to leave", WHAT?!? Mind you our house sits right next to the freeway, to the point that I use to tell people that we live on the center divide (it's a small freeway, by CA standards). Aft er that it gets a bit crazy as we try to get our things together to evacuate. I must say I was less then prepared and much less then calm when J then says "hurry Mommy, there's a fire, stop drop and roll."

Jump ahead about 30min and I'm loading things in the vehicles and I ask the fireman what the status is "better then it was." Well thanks. We did NOT end up evacuating. They got it out, but I never want to be that close again. BUT what if it did jump the freeway and what if we had been asleep?!?

I think I will invite Grandma to swim lessons and not tell J and see if he tells me that Grandma is coming. TBD...

ESP

We have decided that Justus has some ESP ability. To the point that daycare is trying to help keep tabs as well. Since I have been keeping tabs this is what has occured:

I almost always pick him up from daycare, always have. On a rare occasion daddy will, but usually me.

On three occasions Justus has told his teachers "daddy is picking me up today" and on 2 of the 3 he has been right.

On one occasion he told them mommy, daddy, and grandma are picking me up today. Sure enough we did, and this was NOT preplanned. None of these were actually.

This morning he came into our bed to watch "George" while I got ready for work and proceeded to tell daddy "I want the spaceship one", oddly enough that is what ended up coming on.

And the scarest of all came on Sunday when he refused to nap...(see next post)

Kids Say

It is so funny what kids pick up. I guess at daycare he really picks up what the teachers say.

The other day he was sitting at the table and says "She's entitled to her opinion and you're entiltiled to yours."

Then the other night I was commentiong that it was hot in the house. His response...
"It's cozy"

He also told me that the pizza man got lost trying to deliver the pizza to daycare.

Kids Say

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again...Where did my baby go?

Last night I decided to go get dinner. I'm still cleaning up from Father's Day, I didn't take anything out AND I found out I ranked #2 (via a test) on the eligibilty list for an HR Assist job I'd really love to get.

So I ask J,
Me: Do you want to go with me to get dinner.
J: Yea. I aunt chicken breeto, dey have breetos dere?

What is up with the full sentences? I think he's going to be a speaker of some kind, maybe a professor. But he swears he'll be a fire fighter. :) That will lead to sleepless nights even when he's grown up.

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day Sweetie, I hope it was nice. In case youever care to remember it was a pretty relaxed day since your still healing. Your mom and bro came over in the morning for Monkey Bread and Fruit Salad, yum!

For dinner I made you a 4 course meal :) Yea me!
App-Bacon Wrapped Scallops
Soup-Clam Chowder
Dinner-Surf & Turf - Filet, shrimp scampi, pecan rice, and lima beans.
Dessert - Cream Lemonade Pie

So full you just wanted to sleep. Hope you didn't expect a present :)

Our Day At The Aquarium

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Kids Say

The other day I was changing J's clothes. He had his legs up and he started rolling from side to side when all of the sudden he says "windshield wipers". Cracked me up!

The Dentist

Justus did so good at the dentist. I was so suprised. He didn't talk much, but he was a tropper and did fantastic. Hopefully he'll hate the dentist less then I do. I guess I should say he'll like the dentist more then I do, but lets be honest.

On that note, why you may ask do I hate the dentist? Because they always hurt me and cost me lots of money. Could some of this be avoided? If I went more then once every few years and actually flossed, maybe. I know I need to get better and I hope to now, but I say that after every cleaning. I did floss last night so one down, a lifetime to go.

While Justus had an uneventful trip mine was to be expected. I had been for a checkup in Feb and they told me I needed a deep clean. What else is new? I tried to schedule it then, but they never gave me a price and I'm not about to say "do it" without a price first. So I went, to a different dentist, yesterday and $300 later I have two cavaties and a deep clean. Why they didn't see these mystery cavaties in Feb I have no idea, but I guess they can form in 3 months, right? I figure todays appt for R would turn out about the same, boy was I wrong!

$1,500 later and lots of questions from me via cell phone R has, or will have in a few hrs/weeks two fillings, one replaced filling, and THREE crowns. The crowns will hopefully help the bone loss and the cracking teeth so he won't need root canals.

Ugh! I can ask why now, but better now then in 3 months when we don't have insurance and R's turns into a dental emergency costing us $10K+. I want to say "just kick us while we're down" but I knwo it could be worse, probably much worse.

Mantra

This morning I was talking to Justus and I said this to him and thought it should really be a quote that I should live by.

"Sometimes you have too many things to carry and you just have to put some down"

As simple as that sounds, it could apply to my life in SO many ways.

Kids Say

We were driving yesterday and all of the sudden J says
J: Friggen Car
Me: What did you say?
J: I said Friggen Car
Me: umm why?
J: cause' I don't like that car, I just trying to help you mommy.

Yupp another proud mommy moment! It goes right along with the other day when I was talking to R and told him "There's a bithchen motorcycle out here" to which J replied, "where the bitchen motorcycle mama?" Thankfully he did not say it the next time he saw a motorcycle.

It could have been worse, at least it was friggen...
I guess I should pay better attention to what I do say though. Even though I don't (or should say extrememly rarely) curse.

Irony

Just had to share two bits of irony I came across.

On Sunday we were driving and I see this Lexus SUV/crossover and the lic plate reads TREHGRZ. Granted, this could possibly be the Lexus Hybrid, but still the nice big one.

The one on Saturday was even better. I get behind this truck and it's filthy. So much so that someone has written "For Sale $2000" on the back window. So I'm looking at the truck when I notice a little sign on the bottom corner that says "Thomas' Auto Detailing xxx-" Yeah like I'm gonna trust you to detail my car?!?

Surgery

R is scheduled for surgery, or to be more accurate, surgeries! 3 in a 6 weeks time frame. Here's the schedule:

5/12 - Carpel Tunnel on right wrist
5/26 - Carpel Tunnel on left wrist
6/6 - "taking out the guts" as R puts it (ask if you dare)

And where does that leave me? Tired, probably cranky, stressed over money and caring for a whining boy and I don't mean J. I think I deserve a vacation after this.

For the Love of Teeth

Wow, has J been cranky. On Sunday he just would not stop and that's not like him. Granted he's two, but this was something more. Grandma was over and I told her, "he's in rare form today". I couldn't handle it anymore so I finally shoved my finger in his mouth, ok I gently stuck one finger to the side and bamm! two year old molar's breaking through. I checked and he has another one already in, so we may be in for two more bouts like this. Lovely. At least I know to check now and have pain reliever on hand.

To top off the crankiness, on Tuesday I went to get him at daycare and his first response was "mmmoooommmmyyyyy!!!" Then he bowed his head, got a big pouty face, and declared 'I wanted daddy to get me" Full crying instilled and did not let up most of the evening. Can you say Cranky, with a capital C. I guess it was mentioned the next morning at drop off that they felt so bad for me that he was acting that way and wanted nothing to do with me. I just shrug as if to say "what's new".

Husbands Say

The other day R just made me laugh. He was feeling a little, shall we say gassy so I told him to take a gas med. His response...

R: Doesn't that just make you fart more efficiently?

I was at a loss :)

Kids Say

Recently we've read The Berenstain Bears Visit the Dentist. The other night while eating dinner J says.


J:I wanna go to the Dentist
Me: You do, how come
J: Because I got a looth tooth
Me: really? Well I don't think you have a loose tooth, but we can go to the dentist to make sure your teeth are healthy. Would you like that.
J: Yes


He asked again a few days later, so I guess we're going to the dentist.

Yahoo! Answers

I'm now addicted to this stupid Yahoo! Answers thing. Basically you can ask or answer questions or rate an answer and it has this points system. You can't rate an aswer until you reach a level 2 which is something like 250pts. You get 2 pts for answering and 10pts for ansewring and getting chosen as best answer. You lose points if you ask a question and you start with like 100pts for signing up. So to give you a basic idea of how much I have been doing this, I've only done it for like 2 days and I have 199pts. I don't know how I have an odd number of points, but ok. Oh I just looked and you get a point just for logging in, score! So it's stupid but it's fun, what mroe can you ask for.

My Theory

I have this theory that once you have kids you age like twice as fast. At least twice as fast. Prior to being pregnant I had no Gray hair or wrinkles. Now I have this patch of gray in the front and the deepest winkles on my forehead. I would cut my bangs but I have curly hair. How silly might that look. Oh and I have also decided that I hate the color of my hair. It's so dark, but I refused to get it lightened because I don't want to deal with the cost to keep it up. I just don't think hair color is a good expense to try to explain to your spouse. Mine might actually go for it though since he has colored it auburn for me in the past, but I digress.

My postings

I really need to post more. Especially if I want other people to ever be interested in anything I blog about. Maybe I'm just boring. Oh no I know I'm borning :) I just have to think of fun things and blog more about my family in general. Like the fact that R just turned 40!!!! Wow. I'm feeling old.

Blog listing

If you find me, and you know me, and your blog isn't listed, just let me know and I'll post it. I jsut don't know your blog address :)

Kid's Say - A 2fer

So I have two cute one's for today.

Upon leaving grandma's house J exclaims "Look, Honey". R and I look to see a large decorative clay pot that does in fact look a lot like Pooh's Honeypots.

Earlier in the day we were coming inside and R says to J "Hey Sunshine" and J promptly replies "Hey moon".

Very perceptive he is.

Lunch

What did you have for luch today?

I had Sushi, Doritos, and a Diet Dr. Pepper. Nice combo huh?

Kids Say

We were talking about R's work the other night when J askes:

J: Daddy work with Ismael
Me: No daddy dosen't work with Ismael anymore he works with Gene.
R: Yea, I work with Eugene
J: I Gene
R: No Euegene
J : I gene
Me: Why does he keep saying I gene?
R: beacause I'm saying U Gene
Me: ROFL oh, so say I gene
R:I gene
J: U gene
Me: Yes baby Eugene

Okay, the sadest part is that I didn't get it!

Hockey

Last night we took J to a hockey game, his first. My boss gave us tickets and we figured why not. In the first five minutes we thought we had made a HUGE mistake. The horn that goes off when the home team scores seriously bothered. He's already afraid of loud noises, but the fear in his eyes clenched my heart. Then he says "me go home mommy" I tried to comfort him but his next reply was "go back in car", R says let's go and I say let me try one thing and if they score again block his ears. The drive was over and hr long and we paid $12 for parking, you gotta try to make it work. So I pull out the snacks. Next option was to get him out of the arena and into the halls. The snacks worked! He did nto stop eating the entire time except to watch the game a bit and color on his aqua-doodle. Phew we missed that one, but I think we'll wait another year till we try again. Of course when he was laying in bed he kept talking about hockey, with his last comment being "I love hockey". Well daddy will be happy to hear that.

Kids Say

On Monday night I was reading to J at bedtime. We were reading "Hot Dog". It's an early reader book so small words, short story, but very cute. At the end of the story J says, very seriously:

"That was a great story"

What happened to my 2yr old? 26mo to be exact!

Myspace

I have one, yes finally. Is that a little behind the times to mention? I think I might be too old mature for it.

Kids Say

I've decided to start posting some of the cute, and sometimes intelligent things that J says. I'm sure they're too numerous for a baby book, which I've been horrible about anyhow. So here is the first one from last night.

Me: Are you sleepy tonight?

J: Yes I shleepy (rubbing eyes).

Me: I can tell

J: I rub the shleepys off, they on my hands (shows me hands).

Too funny. I was amazed he said he was shleepy, I mean sleepy. He usually says no I not shleepy.

Almost TWO Years

Wow, it's almost been two years since the last time I posted. I'm half suprised it still exists. Hopefully I will have more time to blog now that R has decided to go to school. Will update later, but just wanted to say Wow.

Breast Milk vs. Formula

I have to rant for a second here because I'm so tired of reading about how it's a mortal sin to choose formula over breastfeeding.

I breastfeed and have done so exclusively since J was born, however that's a choice I made. What's so wrong if someone choses to formula feed?

Go ahead tell me it keeps the child healthier, creates a stonger bond and makes them smarter. I've come to the conclusion that this is a bunch of bull. Like I said, I breastfeed. J is only 3 months old and has already been sick, ending in a hospital stay. Where were those magical antibodies everyone talks about? We are bonded, but it has nothing to do with the fact I breastfeed. He actually gazes into my eyes more when I give him a pumped bottle then when he's at the breast. My brother was exclusively formula fed and couldn't be any smarter. He got a full scholarship to UC Boulder and is studying Engineering. He has his pilots licence and wanted to go into the air force, but once he got the scholship he put that aside. My other brother was breastfed until he was almost 3 and isn't nearly as intelligent.

So why do I breastfeed? I don't really know, it's just the choice I made. Is it easier? Not really except for in the middle of the night otherwise it would be much easier to drop a scoop of formula into a bottle and go, especially when we're out and about. Maybe I shoudln't care what other people think, but I'm modest so I won't just pop it out anywhere. And it would be so much easier to be doing formula when I have to go back to work.

I choose to breastfeed, because I wanted to. Not because someone shoved it down my throat! To each his own.

ER Story

Well my baby is still sick, he was sicker then we realized, but now seems to be doing better. On Friday morning he didn't seem much interested in eating, which is very unusual for him as he's usually my little piggy. :) He also didn't want to nap. R ended up needing to drop some paperwork off in Newport, so we took him for a ride where he was able to fall asleep and stay asleep the entire 3hrs. I knew he really needed that so it was a good trip since we got some time to talk as well.

R dropped us off at home and he slept on and off, but still seemed happy, just restless and wanting lots of cuddles. When R got home he said J seemed warm and we could both tell his wheezing was sounding really bad. I called the Dr. but they said they had taken their last patient, but that urgent care was open until 8pm. I decided to wait and see how he responded to his next breathing treatment at 6pm and go from there. Before I started it I decided to change him and take his temp. The numbers kept getting higher and when it reached 100.4 that was too close for comfort and I told R that we were taking him in. I took it again just for good measure and it was 100.6. We got to UC at 6:30pm and got in about 7:30pm. Thankfully he fell asleep in the stroller. When they started doing the initial workup on him they did an oxygen test and he was in the low 90%. The nurse said he looked "molted" while lying down and because he was so young they would put him at the top of the list. The Dr. came in and looked him over and decided to first try a breathing treatment since he was due and Prednisone. After that they sent us over for a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia. When we went back in the Dr. said it looked like the very beginnings of Pneumonia and gave him an antibiotic shot which the nurse warned us was pretty painful. I guess in adults they usually give a pain killer first. Of course he screamed for awhile, but finally calmed down. The nurse said we would see a great improvement tomorrow and to just take him into the Ped for followup. Before we could leave she wanted to check his vitals again. At first she couldn’t get the oxygen machine to work, but then it kicked on. Still in the 90s, low 90s. The all of a sudden it's dropping to 89, 87, and even as low as 84%. In case your wondering it should be 100%. At that point they called the Pediatrician on call and they were relaying all the info to her as his O2 numbers changed. We were the only ones left at the UC and everyone was asking what was going on. The nurse brought us water and cookies as it was now going on 10PM. Thank goodness we ate an early dinner.

The Ped on the line says he needs to be at least 93% and the next thing I know they're hooking him up to oxygen and telling us an ambulance is coming to take him to the hospital. Everything was a whirlwind from there. The ambulance arrives and it takes forever for them to figure out how to get the car seat on the gurney. This is a new state law that they must be in the car seat secured to the gurney. Finally we’re whisked off to the ER, with R following in the car. They get him out and unto the bed and immediately start trying to figure out his levels. By this time he's screaming and everything is in disarray. One of the nice nurses picks him up and try’s to comfort him. I think this is where I kicked into super mommy mode and had to be strong and remain calm to be able to answer the Dr’s questions. The nurses tell me to sit on the bed with him and then tells R to get up there too. They finally take him out of the triage room and move him into an ER room where they plan to take a urine sample via cath, blood work, chest x-rays again, more breathing treatments, oxygen, and start an IV. By now it's about 10:45PM. They do the chest x-rays right in the room which he's not bothered by. R leaves when they do the cath to go to the waiting room because R's mom has come up but then calls me to say "don't let them do anything unless it's absolutely necessary, he's not a damn guinea pig". Well they’re about to do an IV and blood work and I tell them they have to wait until R comes back. The male nurse dosen’t get the whole co-parent thing. No one else had any questions or problems with this but for him I spell it out in black and white. He still seems confused, but whatever. R finally gets back and I explain that his urine was cloudy and they want to do more testing as well as get IV fluids started because he's mildly dehydrated. R’s okay with it, but losses it when that same Jerk has NO IDEA how to deal with babies and goes into his hand digging for a vein, I mean digging, pushing it in and out. We both wanted to scream at him. Finally he gives up and the other nurse does it. She gets the IV on the first try, but can't get blood out, so they'll have to prick his heel. Damn do you think you could poke him a little more? Of course by now he is just screaming and inconsolable. It take forever for them to fill 3 vials from his heal and his blood is everywhere. It makes me so sad to see his blood on the sheet. They’re finally are done and he’s exhausted. Finally everyone leaves us alone while they wait for the results and a bed up in the hospital. The only time they bother us in the next hour or so is to do a nasal swab to check for yet another virus. He’s out, finally getting some rest without people poking at him. They come back at about 12:30am and tell us we are moving upstairs.

We finally get upstairs and the nurse, Micky, asks "which one of you is going to stay?". We look at each other as if to say "which ONE?" I say "we're both going to stay". He said "oh that's okay, just as long as one of you stays". He said sometimes both parents try to leave, seriously? It's been a long day and we are tired. They bring me a pump since J isn't nursing much due to the IV fluids. We try to rest on the oh so comfy pull out chairs. Every 4 hrs they come in to check J, suck out his nose, and give him breathing and percussion treatments. I wake up every time feeling I should be awake to help in someway. We are now slaves to the alarm that goes off if his O2 levels drop too low.

Saturday is a long day. R goes to the house to feed the animals, take a shower and try to get me some things I might need. I try to rest as much as possible but it's hard. At least they feed me, I guess cause I'm the nursing mom, which I thought was nice. Nursing is difficult with all the wires and what not attached to him. We had visitors, first grandma and mataunte and later my friend Ka. After trying really hard, Ka and R convince me to go down to the cafeteria. We ask Micky if he wants the cell number but he says it's ok. When we go to pay they don't have any money so I have to go get out ATM card. As I'm coming down the hall I hear J crying, very upset. I run in, feeling horrible, extremely guilty. I apologize profusely and Micky says it's ok that they were just warming up a bottle. I feel horrible and vow that I will not leave his side again. He tries to reassure me and tell me that everyone needs to step away for a minute and some parents see it as a holiday and try to leave for a long period. I can't even imagine how someone could do that. I call downstairs and tell them they will have to come up to get the money because I'm not leaving.
By Sunday J is off the O2 (and IV antibiotics) and is doing well on "room air". We wait for the Dr. to come by and check on him in hopes that she will let us go home. She comes by and says he is doing well, but is worried about the fact that he isn't nursing well yet. The nurse convinces the Dr. that we will be doing the same thing here as at home, so she decided to discharge us. We get home and are exhausted.

All in all for what it was the experience was a good one. The nurses we're all very nice and treated us with the utmost respect. Mickey was a great guy who showed us pics of his daughters and had a gentle bedside manner. He changed J on more then one occasion and tried his best not to wake us during his checks. Elona was also a sweetie. She asks about our family structure and seemed interested in he's health and comfort. Diana was nice too, but we didn't get to know here much since she was only there a few hrs. on Sunday. All I can really say is Thank You for taking care of my baby.

Sick Baby

My baby is sick!

It started on Monday with a little congestion. Then on Tuesday it turned into a yucky cough. By last night, Wed, the cough was horrible and it sounded like he's wheezing when he breathes. I woke up today and it still sounds like he's wheezing. At this point mommy instinct kicks in and tells me to bring him to the Peditrician. I call as soon as they open and get an appt a half hr later.

By the time I get there I of course am second guessing myself but figure if it's nothing then I'm just a crazy new mom and if it's something then I'll be glad I went. So the Dr. comes in and askes whats going on. I explain that he's been wheezing since last night and he asked "what's your definition of wheezing?", so I tried to explain. He said well wheezing is ... and I said yeah that's what he's doing, or at least I think so. I should mention my Dr. doesn't like to treat just to treat, so he wants to see if I'm being overprotective and what not, which is fine. He then listens to Justus and says he is in fact wheezing. I say, I'm glad I brought you in buddy and the Dr. says "me too". Not really what you want to hear the Dr. to say. He then says he is going to try to test his oxygen level and give him a breathing treatment. Huh? I didn't expect this! Well it turns out he has Bronchiolitis which is caused by the RSV virus, different then Bronchitis. We were sent home with a nebulizer and I have to give him a treatment every 4 hrs which doesn't treat the cold, just hopefully helps him breath better and not wheeze. It's hard to try to keep a mask on a 3mo old!

Apparently this is common this time of year and should clear up on it's own, but I really have to watch him to make sure his breathing doesn't get worse which would warrent a trip to urgent care or the ER. Even through these horrible coughing spells that make him turn beet red and sound like he's choking and going to cough up his insides, he's still all smiles.

Top Ten (month 3)

1. If you still haven't given into the motherhood thing yet, like me, it might just wear you out.

2. It often feels like I get nothing done and worry that my spouse will feel the same. Good thing my spouse isn't a neat freak.

3. Sometiems it feels like a thankless job where the only pay is grins and giggles, which arn't worth much when it comes to buying the groceries. But I do have to admit, it melts my heart. And he's starting to respond more too.

4. Did you know babies get sick? They do and you can't always tell where it hurts! I do think it hurts mommy more then it does baby though. I wish I was as happy as he seems when I'm sick.

5. I have mixed feelings about going back to work. On one hand I think it would be easier to be working, but on the other had I am going to miss him so much.

6. On that note, if you're planning to put your child in care and you want them on a schedule, start early!

7. Babies have no concept of "Delayed Gratification".

8. Put the baby to sleep before he gets fussy. It just makes everything much smoother.

9. As I've noted perviously, don't get used to the idea of the baby sleeping through the night. You never know when it's going to end.

10. STILL the hardest job I've ever had, but I haven't quit yet.

My Nephew

I went to my dad's yesterday for Super Bowl, my nephew lives there. At one point he came up to ask me a question and as he walked I could "smell" him so I asked "do you have poopoo in your pants? He says "NO"! I said "then what do I smell?" His response..."chicken". Oh my, kids are cute.

Our Dog the Protector

We have a mini Doxie and he's always been spoiled. We worried that when we brought the baby home he would be really jealous. We were basically right. I can tell he feels like he's getting the short end of the stick, but he's taking it very well.

At first he wanted to lick the baby all over, but we of course wouldn't let him. Since then he's basically gotten use to him. He's become a little protector and it's too sweet. For instance yesterday the baby was sleeping in his bouncy and I was on the computer (like now) and the baby started moving a little, but I couldn't see him because he was on the other side of the couch. All of the sudden the dog is sitting up on the couch whining and looking at me. I look over at him and was like 'okay'. Then he whines again so I stand up and the baby is moving around, but not fussing. I tell him "it's okay Beaudoux, thank you." and he calms right down. Another time the baby was in the swing and being noisy so the dog comes to me as if to say Mommy the baby's awake. He'll do the same thing if the baby's in his bassinet and the dog is still sleeping in the bed since he's in the room with him and can hear him. He's really too sweet.

My regrets

I have regrets about things I really have no control over, my birth experience. How it went and my lack of ability to control it. Maybe that should have been my first sign that I was no longer in control of my life.

I've decided I should start writing my thoughts and feelings down about the whole ordeal.

Even after nearly 2 months I still regret having to have a c-section. It really threw me for an emotional loop. I so wanted a natural child birth and didn't even come close to that. I even took "prepared childbirth" classes. I have come to realize that these classes do not prepare you for childbirth. They give you a lot of information that may or may not be useful, but as c/s are a type of childbirth they really do not cover this aspect enough. They briefly skim over the basics, but don't really explain how it can effect you emotionally. Especially when you have your hopes set on something else. I didn't want a natural birth to be a super woman, I wanted it because we were taught that it's better for the baby, not to mention I don't like having excess drugs in my system (or my baby's), or being cut open.

I regret that R didn't get to cut the cord. That I didn't ask them to lower the sheet to see him come out. That I didn't get to see the cord around his neck. I regret that we didn't bring a camera in and can't remember if there was music playing, or the name of the nurse that was so sweet to me. I regret that I didn't try something more to get the birth started on it's own and that I didn't fight more to stay away from the c/s. I regret that I didn't try Pitocin and try pushing. I regret not asking the Dr. Again why we had to do a c/s and if it could have been any different, just for piece of mind. One of my biggest regrets is telling R that it was okay to leave and go to work while I was still in the hospital. I regret not asking for more help, both while in the hospital and at home. I regret not taking a picture of J in his bassinet at the hospital. I regret so many things I can not change, but will always think about.

Our time in the hospital

After Justus was born I was in the hospital for three days. I guess it was pretty uneventful.

Birth Night (Tues)- I feel no pain! After he was born they whisked him off to the nursery with R close behind. I was left in the OR getting stitched back up. While this was happening I started feeling a little funny, kind of like my chest was heavy. I think it was just the meds. I realize in my original post I forgot to mention that they tipped the table in all directions while I was getting the meds, I presume to get them distributed before they poked me to see if I could feel anything. The anaesthesiologist was a really nice guy who said he would take good care of me. He even let me keep a giraffe with me that Connie got for Justus. That Giraffe stayed with me the entire time and stayed on the table next to me the whole time I was in the hospital. I didn't realize the anaesthesiologists were so involved, I guess I assumed they just put the meds in and that was that. After my spinal I watched him mixing another med and asked him what it was. I guess it was the Pitocin to help my uterus contract after the birth. After they finished closing me up they wheeled me into a recovery area. While there they massaged my uterus and checked to see if I could feel my feet. It's the weirdest feeling trying to move your feet and not being able to. I was in the recovery area for a couple of hours while the spinal wore off. I remember everyone filing in to see me one at a time. R had asked the nurse if they could bring the baby to me while I was still in recovery and they did for a few minutes. Things were happening so fast and I remember the baby coming, but R says I tried to breastfeed right there, but they only let him stay for a few minutes because of a shift change. First it was R and my mom. R told me the baby's stats and my mom stayed with me for most of the time I was in recovery. R left to let everyone else visit for a few minutes and they filed in one by one. I don't remember the order, but I know her boss came by real quick, her mom stayed for a few and her brother wouldn't leave until he saw me with his own eyes to make sure I was okay, then his ex-wife came in to say hi, which R and I didn't really understand why she even came by as we're not too fond of her. Then right before my mom left my uncle came in to say a quick hello. By this time they were ready to take me to my room. I guess they were full because I ended up in the "over flow" area. An older part of the hospital away from the regular maternity ward. It was no biggie because although the room was bland it had everything we needed and the nurses in the area were really nice. Our doula said "you never get any rest in a hospital", but was surprised at how quiet everything in that area was. I think there were only a few other women in that wing, so I felt like the nurses were there just for me. However I hate to ask for help, which I regret now. When we got to the room our Doula was there and had brought all of our stuff to the room. A ton of useless stuff that was suppose to be used for the labor. Once I was settled in the room they brought the baby back to us. He didn't stay with us that night so we could "get some rest", but that was silly because they brought him to me to feed and they were in there every few hours to check my vitals so I didn't get much rest anyhow. They brought me some food that night because I was sooo hungry, but it only consisted of chicken broth, juice, and jello. I ache and can not get comfortable when I do try to sleep.

Day one (Wed) My morning meal, yippie. Nectar, milk, pudding, and custard. I really am hungry. By the evening they have finally given me real food. I can eat again. It's sad that hospital food is the highlight of my day, but I'm in pain, can't walk or go to the bathroom and people keep poking at me. I won't even go into the more disgusting stuff that a new mom has to deal with. My highlights are food ( a hamburger for lunch a a chicken sand for dinner) and looking at my son, who sleeps a lot or eats. Nursing is hard because of the incision and also the fact that my chest is twice as big as his head and I fear smothering him. Not to mention he is having a hard time nursing as I have flat nips. The lactation consultant comes in to help me and gives me a shield which really help the baby latch on. Thank goodness he can eat too. My Dr. came to see me this morning. He is a very sweet and compassionate guy. He walks in and says "so how mad at me are you?" I tell him "Dr. L I'm not mad at you". I did get the cath out and had to get out of bed today. I first had to go from the bed to the chair. Getting up is exhausting. R gets to give me a sponge bath. Did I mention I hate being helpless? Then I had to walk, sounds easy enough, ALL the way to the bathroom, maybe 5 feet. Oh what a task. And to top it all off I have to go to the bathroom and let the nurse check after, so fun. What a day! We mainly try to relax and I think mamare came to visit. I told R to go home and sleep for the night so that she could go to work tomorrow as I know this whole thing is getting her backed up. It's late and I try to rest.

Day two (Thur) Breakfast: Eggs, potatoes, bacon, a muffin, milk and juice. Did I mention I sent R home last night and to work today? This was the WORST mistake I have ever ever made. Again let me say I HATE to ask for help so I try to do it alone all last night and today. Last night was horrible! I was in pain and I have a difficult time lifting the baby from his bassinet to my bed. I ask the nurse if it's okay if he stays in bed with me and she thinks it's not the greatest idea for fear that I might roll over on him. I can't take putting him back and forth so I go against what she says and fall asleep with him next to me. She can tell I'm worn out so she leaves him there, but also leaves my door open to be able to check on me. I get barely any sleep and I'm depressed. I try to rest during the day as the am nurse tells me a I have to, but it's impossible. Even with pain killers I'm uncomfortable and the noises my tummy makes are really quite odd. They say it's "gas", but nothing like I've ever felt/heard before. It sounds like I have pipes in there make lots of noise. My grandma R comes to visit totally un expected, as well as Connie. I don't think they wanted to let visitors in to see me since I am so worn out, but it helps. I'm in bed most of the day, but try to get up once in awhile to sit up since that feels best even though actually getting out of bed is horrible. Later in the evening Mamare and MaTaunte come to check on me as R is running late. I put on a happy face, but once R is back and we are alone I loose it. I am depressed, I am hurting, and I hated being alone and helpless. The baby will not sleep now unless he is on his tummy or being held and it's wearing me down. R asks the nurse if she can watch the baby while we talk. Even this makes me feel guilty, but the nurse says it's no problem. R and I talk for two hours and I cry a lot. It makes me feel better to have a good cry and express what's bothering me. It's after 11 and we are both exhausted, again. We bring the baby back and try to get some rest.

Day Three (Fri) They obviously didn't get my food order because it's the same things as the last two days. But...We get to go HOME!!! The Dr. came in and asked if I wanted to go home or stay another day. Go home of course (actually I think I said "ummm I guess go home") Not much happened, but we did get to get J's first pics done. They stick their finger in his mouth right before they snap the pic so that he will open his eyes. No wonder they have those funny expressions. The baby and I got checked and everything looks fine for discharge. Most of the day is spent waiting to leave and we don't get out of there until after 4. I make sure to ask for some Percocet right before we leave so i can get up the stairs at home. The ride home is bumpy, but I'm just so glad we are going home. What a day, we are both wasted! Now I just have to figure out how to handle this little guy. Vicodin will be my friend. One thing I do know, I love this little guy.

If it were not for my emotions the experience would have been a good one. Most of the nurses were really nice and the Dr. tried to take my feelings into account and give us time to make our decisions. He was great, as was the nurse who was with me during L&D.

Top Ten (month 2)

Top Ten Things I've learned in my Second month as a new Mom

1. Everytime the baby cries it does not mean he's hungry, but when he wants to eat, he wants to eat NOW! I'm still learning his cues.

2. It okay to leave the baby alone, as long as he's safe of course. Not home alone, just in a swing, a bouncy, on the floor, etc. He's not going to have a fit and it will teach him to play alone and sooth himself, and even fall asleep if he's tired.

3. It's okay to leave the baby with your spouse. The baby will still be in one piece when you return and it gives you a much needed break or the chance to run an errand.

4. Everytime I think it's getting easier, it gets harder again. Why? Because he's always changing. Something he liked at a week old he no longer goes for. So I have to be ever changing as well.

5. Just becasue they sleep 5-6 hrs two nights in a row, don't assume it's a pattern. But be grateful for the extra sleep. Don't fret if you wake up wondering "is he okay"?

6. Swaddling is heaven! No wonder why they do it from day one. They really should tell you in the hospital to never stop. Our little man will be swaddled till Kindergarden if that's what it takes.

7. Babies love to suck. The Binky isn't menat to shut him up, it's meant to save your poor nipples. If they like them, make sure you always know where one is.

8. Even at this young routines are good. They know what to expect and you can bend to what they want you to expect.

9. If your breast feeding always wear pads to bed. Even if you never leak during the day, that one time he decideds to sleep through the night you might just regret it if you don't.

10. It's still the hardest thing I've ever done, but still worth it. Especially now when I get that heart melting "good-morning" smile.

Easy Nursing

We were discussing nursing the other day and I started to think...What was God thinking. Babies love to suck on fingers, at least all that I've encountered. Why didn't God make the milk come out of the tip of the finger? !? It would make things sooo much easier. Crying in the car, pop. In the store, pop. Granted the breasts could still be used as the storage area, but no one would get embarassed anymore by us whiping them out. Also, it would be so much less painful and as for leakage I've got that covered too, Band-aids. What was he thinking??? Oh that's right we were never intended to wear clothes. Darn apples.

Making Me

I think my son has made me soft, or at least the hormones from the pregnancy have. I never really liked scary movies but now I would never want to watch them. I used to be able to to handle war type movies, but now I hate to see the blood. Anything mildly gory I have to turn away except for things on Discovery Health. I still love that channel, but not the birth stories so much anymore. I think this might have to do with the fact that my birth story didn't turn out the way I had hoped. And don't even get me started on shows that talk about child abduction. Oh boy!

Anyhow I'm just rambeling today, but I keep thinking that he's turned me into a softie so I had to note it down.

In-Laws

I've decided I don't really like having visitors. At least not several at once. We just had Rachel's family over on Saturday for her bro's birthday and it wore me out.

First off I feel like I need to make my home presentable, which is difficult when you have a newborn. Then once everyone's here I feel like I have to entertain them. Then of course everyone wants to hold the baby, and expects him to be awake and happy. When he starts to fuss, even a little, they try differnt ways to calm him which just pisses him off more and then they let him scream as he gets hot, sweaty, and beet red saying "he just needs to exercise his lungs." Funny, I didn't know lungs needed exercise!!! Or they comment "I think he has colic". I REALLY hate this one. Come on now, have you ever even seen a baby with colic because this isn't it. We try to tell them the secrets of how to calm him but they don't listen. When he's upset from being overstimulated or tired he likes to be against your chest and patted, strongly, on his lower back. They try but they basically tap his back and Rach tells them to go ahead and swat it but they look at her like she's crazy. Then, not to offend anyone, I spend part of the day in the bedroom feeding. At the end of the day our house is a mess again. *sigh*

Long Overdue Birth Story

My original EDD was 11/25. Due the fact that we pretty much know when I conceived, that date was pretty accurate. On Friday 12/2 I went to the Dr. for my 41 week appt. The baby was still up high and my cervix had done nothing. The Dr. scheduled my next appt for Monday 12/5 where he said we would start discussing a plan as he doesn’t let his patients go past 42 weeks. He said we would start with Cervidil to ripen my cervix and go from there. Of course I was less then thrilled that we might have to induce labor, but after doing some research on Cervidil it didn’t seem that bad and our Doula agreed that it was a fairly low tech approach to start with.

I went to my Appt on Monday at 11:45 and they hooked me up to the fetal monitors. I could feel the baby moving and the monitor was even registering some contractions which felt pretty much like Braxton Hicks, just a lot of tightening. I was happy to see that and hoped my exam would show some change. After awhile the nurse came in and said the Dr. had to leave on an emergency, and asked if I could come back at 1:30. When I came back at 1:30 they did my exam and there was no difference. My cervix was still high and tight. The Dr. also said he didn’t get the info he was looking for the first time on the monitor and wanted to hook me up again. After awhile he checked on me and said he still didn’t see what he wanted and asked that I go over to the hospital for monitoring. They hooked me up and gave me some juice to help the little bugger start shakin. Finally at 5:00 the nurse came back in and said she could see the accels, they weren’t as great as they would like, but that everything seemed to be fine and she sent me home.

Early the next morning, 12/3, I woke up at about 2:00am and felt kind of weird, but I went to the bathroom and went back to bed. At about 6:00 I woke up again with the period like cramps everyone kept telling me about. I tried to dismiss them thinking it was just in my head and tried to go back to sleep. About 20 minutes later it felt like the baby punched me hard, low in my pelvis. I tried to turn over and thought “oh no”, jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Sure enough my water had broken. I talked to my sister and she said the contractions would come on really strong now. I decided not to head L&D, but to try to rest some, eat, and take a shower. At 11:30 we finally left for the hospital but my “contractions” were nothing, even after my water being broken for 4 hrs.

I was admitted to the hospital at 12:30PM where they hooked me up to the monitors and checked to see if I had in fact broken my water, which I had. Immediately they hooked me up to an IV. They watched the monitor and could see my contractions, but they were very sporadic and weak. The Dr. came by and said they he would like to start Pitocin to get my contractions coming on stronger. I asked if there was any thing else we could do like walking and he said if I was a little more dilated that he would suggest that, but because I was so closed and the baby was still high, that he didn’t see that helping. He left to give us some time to talk. When the nurse came back she again didn’t notice the accels she would like to see with his movements. They decided to give me some sugar water through the IV and turn me on my side but that didn’t help and a bit later they gave me oxygen. We explained to the nurse that I wanted to try as natural as possible and asked her if I would be able to get out of bed and use the ball during contractions. She kind of giggled and said if we can get you stable and your labor going, you can do whatever you want. Because my water was already broken they could no longer start with Cervidil so we started discussing Pitocin. The Doula, Connie, said some women just need a little push and the nurse said she would turn off the Pitocin as soon as I started having regular contractions, so we finally agreed.

While we were waiting for the Dr. to come back to start Pitocin Connie and I insisted Rachel go get something to eat. While she was gone the nurse did another internal to try and “scratch” the babies head to get a response and see if I was still leaking fluid. She said the bag could have folded over on itself causing the bag around the baby to in essence still be intact. WOW did that make me jump off the table. She was really nice and apologized profusely. She left and when she came back she sat next to the bed and said I wanted to wait until Rachel came back, when in walks Rach, perfect timing. The nurse continues…We’ve been watching you for three hours and we’re still not seeing the accels we would like to see, even after everything we’ve done, his heart rate was pretty flat, meaning no heart accelerations during his movements. I just tried to tickle his head and as you can tell it nearly killed you for me to do the exam. The Dr. is on his way, but I wanted to prepare you, I think he will suggest we do a c-section. I just looked away and lost it. She said honey, the dr will check you and may say something different, but I just wanted to let you know because the baby isn’t responding the way we would like.

Sure enough, when the Dr. came in he didn’t even do an exam and just explained the same info. I asked about the Pitocin and he said we could try that, but that there was no guarantee that after ten hours of hard labor that there would be any change. He said I had been monitored for over 3 hrs, my water had been broken for 9hrs and there had been no change. He thought the Pitocin might put the baby in distress and that would make or break it. He said if it came to that we might end up in an emergency situation. He again left to give us some time, he was really great.

Rachel left for a second to use the bathroom which I found out later she had gone to cry herself because she felt bad for telling me, at an earlier time, that she really didn’t want me to have a c/s. She came back and we talked about it. I was really upset but Rach and Connie were very supportive. I explained to them that it was just a loss and I needed to come to grips with it and that I didn’t even get a chance to try. Once I got over that I started worrying about the babies health. I asked but they said they couldn’t tell one way or another if he was in serious distress. While we were talking Rachel said she just had a feeling that it’s what needed to do so we agreed on the c/s. They immediately got me prepped and we headed for the OR.

While I was getting my spinal the nurse was holding me telling me if I was her daughter, who was actually due in a month, that she would have insisted she do the c/s. As they prepped me I know Rach was outside pacing the floor. As the surgery started they called her in. We were so frazzled about the quick change in plans that we completely forgot to bring a camera, which I regret. Fortunately we do have a voice recording of the surgery. Within about 20 minutes our son was on his way out and the Dr. told Rachel stand up and look. When she did she said the cord was around his neck twice and his shoulder once, a picture she says will be engrained in her memory forever. As soon as he was out he was screaming and healthy. The Dr. said he was extremely happy we had decided to do the c/s because he wasn’t sure that the outcome would have been good otherwise. This helped me to cope a little bit better with the outcome.

Our son, Justus Ryan was born at 5:48PM, only 11hrs after my water broke. He was 6lbs 14oz, 19 in and would have been soo easy to deliver vaginally had he just cooperated. We should have known he was a little pill when he hid the first time the Dr. tried to find his heartbeat at our 14wk appt. But, he was healthy and that’s all that really matters. His Apgars were 8 at both checks.

The next morning my dr. came into the room and said “how mad are you at me”? I said Dr. Langley, I’m not mad at you. The baby’s healthy and I’ll recover. Even though my birth went nothing like I wanted, it really was a good experience. The nurse was great and my Dr. was exceptional since he gave us time to talk and decide. He knew I wanted to go as natural as possible. Well heck I just threw natural childbirth out the window.

I was in the hospital for 4 days, but that’s a story for another time as are my feelings about the cesarean.

Top Ten

The Top Ten Things I have Learned in my First Month as a New Mom

1. NEVER tell your spouse to go home and leave you at the hospital alone after the birth. This is the biggest mistake you can make. Take advantage of his or her desire to help or you might regret it. That was my hardest day ever.

2. No matter how much you read or what advice you get from friends and family about birth and parenting, it will never turn out like that for you! Your baby will cry and will not sleep through the night just because Grandma passed on the tricks of the trade. In fact all this advice and reading will make you crazy.*

3. You are no longer in control. *follow the advice everyone gives you to "sleep when the baby sleeps". This is the best piece of advice, but the hardest to follow. Give in at the beginning because your life is no longer yours and now belongs to the baby. Your house will be messy but the baby won't care and does not want to give you a chance to clean. Don't try to be super housewife. Take-out can be pretty yummy.

4. Everyone will want to see your baby, but limit visitors as much as possible and keep visits short as this will only tire you out even more. If they want to perform a chore while they visit or bring a meal, by all means LET THEM. Again, you are no longer in control.

5. Babies poop and pee A LOT, often on you. Don't buy changing table covers because blankets work just as well and your bound to have more of them.

6. You can never have too many blankets, clothes, or birp cloths. Babies produce lots of laundry, which of course adds to the messy house theroy.

7. Babies are noisy! Not when they cry, but when they sleep. Even if he sleeps for three hours straight he can still wake you up grunting and moaning for no real reason.

8. You may think you'll never co-sleep, but when it comes right down to it, if it's no sleep or co-sleep, sleep will win out every time, even if baby is right on top of you in the prone position.

9. Cuddle as much as possible and take as many pictures as you can because they change in the blink of an eye.
10. This is the HARDEST job you will ever have, but it will be worth every second. Even watching him poop, this one craks me up!

Oh my goodness...

I'm a mother, and my son is almost a month old! Wow.

I still need to post my long birth story, but I've just been so crazy busy! Okay not crazy busy, but I have been nursing a newborn non stop. He really is a little piggy who eats almost constantly. Anyhow I just wanted to write a post since its been over a month.

So Tired

I'm really beginning to get worn out by all this waiting. I had a Dr appt today that was just crazy. First Rach wanted me to stop by her work because I was feeling a bit down, wondering why things were at a standstill. She was super busy working but decided to go with me to the dr. Of course I was thrilled, but at the same time worried because I know she has a ton of work to do and technically she was suppose to go out of town tomorrow and Wednesday. We get to the dr. and they hook me up to the monitor to do the NST the baby was moving a little but not much. I could tell when I was having a contraction and checked the monitor to see if I was right. That was neat to see but obviously they aren't very productive. Anyhow, after we'd been in there awhile my drs receptionist comes in and informs me that the dr. had to leave on an emergency, could I return in about 1.5hrs. I said sure and we ended up leaving. I had to take Rach back to work because I didn't want her to be gone all day. Good thing I did. When I went back to the dr. he did an internal, which I have decided he is really bad at, ouch, and the U/S to check the fluid which he said looked fine. I asked him the size and he still says about average. I now think he has no clue actually. At that point he tells me the NST didn't really come back as good as he would like, so he wants to hook me up to the monitor again. Okay....So they hook me up and I swear my little man is sound asleep, does not want to move for anything. He moved once or twice, but the dr. was not satisfied with that. So he sends me off to L&D for monitoring. Lovely. I was there for nearly 2hrs, before finally being sent home. It's just wearing me out. I'm suppose to call the dr. Tomorrow to find out the plan since they didn't keep me, but they were closed by the time I left the hospital. I know he's on call Wednesday so I assume I'll be going in tomorrow evening to get the Cervidil followed by my water being ruptured and Pitocin on Wednesday morning, so that he can be available for delivery Wed night. Hopefully that's as long as it will take. The triage nurse said it's a long process. Maybe I'll be able to sleep during the Cervidil part. I know the Doula would like for me to hold off as long as possible, but at this point I'm just getting so tired and realize the the most important outcome is a healthy baby.

No Change

That's exactly what the Dr. said when he did my exam today, which nearly made me break down in tears. He said my cervix hasn't done much, which I assume means it's still at 1cm. He then did an U/S and said the fluid still looks fine. Then he hooked me up to the fetal monitors for about 30 minutes to check on the boy. He said that his heartbeat was rising like it should when he moves and even saw some contractions on the printout but said if I'm not feeling them they must not be doing much. I guess the reason I'm still not dilating is because this little man is stubborn and is still just above my pelvis. I have an appointment on Monday and I guess we'll be talking about intervening at that time because he doesn't want me to go past two weeks. He wants to start with Cervidil and see how that goes. I won't let him do any type of of intervention until Thursday because Rach will be out of town until then. So still we wait.

Still Here

Still no baby!

I told him that if he was waiting for the new birthstone, he can come now. At least I have a Dr. appt tomorrow to see if anything has changed. *sigh*

Nope!

I have horrible horrible intuition! Nothing happened yesterday, nothings happening today. Why do they even give you due dates? It has to be to make you crazy! Actually maybe it's to make your family crazy so they bug you everyday. It really wouldn't be so bad if everyone else didn't keep asking.
We have to go down to San Diego tonight so I know nothing will happen tonight. No, it will happen when we're suppose to drive 2hrs away for some holiday party for Rachel's work on the 7th (which of course is my lucky #). Her boss tells her "if you don't go I'll be mad". I swear she's like 12 and her bestfriend said she wouldn't go to the dance. Goodness. Anyhow I'll stop bitching for now. Maybe I'll ask them about inducing this weekend at my Friday appt. I guess I'll shoot an email off to our Doula to see what she has to say and to hopefully reassure me. I just start worrying that something's wrong, and it's only been 3 days. I can only imagine 3 weeks ;)

Is it today???

I'm 3 days past my EDD. I think the operative word in that sentence is ESTIMATED. I've never had good "women's intuition", but for some reason I think that today will be the day I go into labor. I keep feeling I'll start active labor sometime after 7pm tonight and give birth sometime tomorrow morning. I guess we'll have to wait and see if my "mother's intuition" is kicking in. I know there are lots of people waiting to hear that this little one is born. I'll try to post as soon as anything changes!

1 cm

I know it's not much but I went to the Dr. today and I'm 1cm dilated. Yippie!!!

I know I could be 1cm forever, but it gives me hope that if I do have to be induced at some point that it will go well. My weight was the same so that's good too. My next appt is a week from Friday and if I haven't gone into labor before then they will hook me up to the monitors to check on the baby and the fluid. The Dr. said he was happy with what he saw so that's great news to me.

I guess I really should get our bags packed just in case.

Okay, I'm scared

I have to admit that I am really scared to become a parent. Sure I worry about the pain of labor, but that's nothing compared to the change my life will experience once the baby is here to be cared for, and I'm really scared. Don't get me wrong, I know I can do it, that's not the issue. I've cared for kids of different ages and loved it. I was even getting a degree in Child Development so I know I can do it, but I also know that it's much different to care for children then to have your own 24/7.
What am I afraid of? Lots of things. I'm afraid I won't bond well with my son or that I'll be a bad mother. I'm afraid that we won't have enoughto give to him, time, energy, money. I know kids don't need a lot of material things but I do want to be able to provide for him. I'm just really scared about how this new little life is going to drastically change our life.

Good to be off

Being home this week and after how my boss treated me I've come to the conclusion that I should have taken off more time before the baby came. Oh well, hind site is 20/20. I love not working, so far at least. I actually get a chance to relax and clean my house. Which I should get going on again today. Maybe we really will move to a place where the cost of living is less and I can stay home, and where my biggest stress is which park to take the lil butterball to this time.

No go

Well I finally talked to my boss. He never said a word about it so I had to approach him before he left for the day on Friday, my last day. I tried to keep it light hearted.

Me- I have a feeling your trying to avoid me regarding the proposal I gave you.
Boss-No, I'm not trying to avoid you, we can discuss it.
M-Well we don't really have to talk about it, I pretty much figured out your feelings by what you said a couple of weeks ago.
B- Yeah I thought that said it all.
M-Well is there any room for discussion about any type of alternative schedule?
B-The only alternative would be a 4 day week...Where you work 10hrs/day.
M-Well I don't think that would help me any because I would still need to get FT childcare, so I'll keep it M-F.
B-I did look it over, and asked some other people in the office and it just won't work with the structure of things.
M-Oh. Well there are a couple of things I wanted to let you know. When I'm here I'll give 100%, but right now I already take some work home to do and I won't do that anymore. My time at home is for my family now. This might mean things don't get done here as quickly as possible so that's something we'll have to work out. Also, I plan to breastfeed and as stated in our handbook I'm going to have to have a place where I can pump 3 times a day.
B-How long will that take and when will you need to do this?
M- Well I'll need to use someone's office and I'd do it during my regular breaks. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once during my lunch.
B-And then you'll take it to him?
M-No, I'll put it in the fridge here to use for the following day while he's at day care.
B-Oh, well I'm sure we can work something out, even if you have to rotate offices. Hey maybe we'll add on a second story with offices and a day care. (dry laugh)
M-Sounds good to me.
B-Okay, well I'm going to be leaving in a couple of minutes so make sure you keep in touch.
M-I will.

*sigh*

So now I'm going to spend time before birth trying to find childcare where I feel confident leaving a 3 month old. During this time I'm also going to see how well we do with my pay cut. I might extend my leave and take FMLA, which I think I can take up to another 6 or 12 weeks unpaid.

I asked the two people I assumed he "talked" to about it and the one girl, HR, said yes he asked her about it but it was pretty much to find out what he had to do to comply with FMLA. She basically asked him what the big deal was. I guess he wasn't too happy about that response. Then I asked the other person, who I had talked to this about before and he said yes he had talked to him about it and he didn't seem too interested. He went on to tell me that when he had his first he had to make the same decisions and he and his wife decided to cut back as much as possible so she could stay home.

Honestly I just think this is so lame. When I start back on I want to keep a log of how often I meet with him and how often I'm doing things that couldn't be done at home. There are basically two reasons he doesn't want me to do this. One of my many titles is I'm his assistant (not personal) and he wants me available for him when ever he wants. Everyone in the office already agrees that he needs someone who is specifically his personal assistant. This would be wonderful since I hate making his personal dinner reservations, birthday limo reservations, ordering flowers for him mom or wife, ordering special wines, calling about his home property taxes, etc. Just maddening. The second reason is he wants me to do customer service, which I hate. It is so not my personality and I have told him this on more then one occasion, but he doesn't care. It's quite rude actually. Dealing with customers gets me all stressed out and I really don't know how to handle them. I'm non combinational so I usually try to get someone else to take care of them. That's just the customers that call or email us. There is a whole other group of people that we actually pay someone to call and ask how there experience was. I HATE solicitors so if it was me on the other end of the line I would already be ticked off by the fact that they are calling, most likely at dinner time. Even if I really didn't have a problem with the company I would list anything I disliked, and that's exactly what happens. It just such a bad concept.

Anyhow, I'm rambling now. I would quit my job in a heartbeat if I could, but the pay is okay and I don't think I could find something better. I will be looking though.

The Final Countdown (sung of course)

Well there are only two days left until my leave begins and other then “maybe I should wait on my first impression”, my boss has not said one word about my proposal. I think he’s basically just avoiding me at this point figuring that if I don’t talk to him about it, it means everything will be the same upon my return. Little did I know that he was going to be out of town until tomorrow afternoon which makes this avoidance tactic very easy for him. I’m in the process of writing him an email letting him know that I had hoped to talk to him about this, and to find out if there is any room for discussion of an alternative schedule or if my only option is FT M-F.

Even if this is the only option I need to let him know that I still want to cut down my hrs to 9-4 so that I can have time to drop off and pick up my son from the people who will now be raising him, whoever that may come to be. No, I’m not bitter :( I also need to let him know that I will no longer work OT at the office or bring work home, as my family will now come first. As well as the fact that if I am going to be working at the office FT that I need a place to “lactate” as allowed by CA law and included in our handbook. So three times a day he has to offer a private space where I can pump, and it can’t be a bathroom. I actually hope this will help in my plea for an alternative schedule. Don’t men usually get all freaked out by this woman bodily function stuff?

At this point I am also “training” a temp. I feel like I’m a horrible teacher, but she seems to be picking up things really well, so maybe I’m not so bad after all. I guess she was just really quite the first day and seemed bored, which I can understand. The only issue I foresee at this point is the fact that she told us she got let go at her last job because she is too detail oriented, which to me says that she might have a hard time meeting deadlines. I can already see the detail oriented issue in the way she is doing things. My boss has very strict deadlines and he does not accept excuses, so I need to try and explain a few tricks to her, which I can only hope she will take to heart.